Who Am I? | Life Update.

Posted on 4 min read 480 views

Hi guys! I’m so sorry that I haven’t posted in such a long time, but don’t worry because today it’s a Life Update so I will tell you all about it and the reason why I’ve been so MIA. I think you all noticed that I haven’t been as active around here and my social media. Lately my mental health is not the best so I needed some time off which I didn’t even noticed that I did, time goes by so fast lately!

I’ve been struggling a bit with my identity, that’s also the reason why this post is called Who am I. All my life I was different, I didn’t like all the mainstream things or going with trends, I had my own style and I loved wearing weird things. When I’m typing this it actually seems a bit sad that this subject depresses me, but okay. Let’s just say I loved fashion but in my own way. Then mid teens I started to gain A LOT of weight due to medication, I think I gained like 30kg which is a lot! Nothing fit me anymore and I felt really uncomfortable, my weird style I called fashion didn’t exist anymore as there was nothing in my size and I felt really ashamed of my body. I started wearing the most basic and oversized stuff and standing out changed into hiding.

Over the last few years I’ve already lost 18kg but I’m not there of course. I’m not at my goal now but I can fit into a lot more of the stuff I used to wear. The only problem is that I don’t know how to be me again, I’ve hid and blended in for so many years that now I don’t know what to do! The other thing that brainwashed me is social media, I don’t want to sound all that cliché about social media and say that it changes you but it actually does… I was always the tomboy grunge type person, but starting a blog and being on social media a lot because of it changed me into someone I’m not. Right now I’m going with trends, only post the perfect selfie on Instagram and constantly comparing myself and looking like a girly girl which I’m not. It makes me feel miserable and I want it to stop,

I just wanna be myself again!

If you follow me on Instagram you might have seen the change in my feed, that it’s more laid back and random, and you know what, I actually kinda like it that way! I’m trying to find myself again and not think too much about if other people will like it or not which is so much more difficult than you would think. I don’t know how to dress like myself, act like myself or even speak as myself.

I just want this to also be a message to you, because perfect doesn’t exist and most of the time the people we look up to on the internet are photoshopped from head to toe, only posting the best things so it seems they have a perfect life. Don’t be that, jus be you before it’s too late and you don’t know who you is anymore. Who cares that you have pores or that your makeup is not looking so perfect anymore, because I don’t!

I’m also trying to better my overall life which is also a hard thing, I’ve quit smoking which was a rollercoaster ride, and I decided to have a challenge with myself. Losing weight has slowed down a lot so I challenged myself to do my ultimate best with eating and exercising for 1 full month. I’ve weight and measured myself on the beginning of the month and I will do that again on the end. Oh boy is that hard, because I’ve used to weigh myself everyday which became a bit of an obsession and now it stresses me out so much that I can’t because I just wanna know if my challenge is working lol but I won’t allow myself!

I’m so sorry I’ve been not as active but I’m just focusing on myself right now. When you live with a depression it’s just so hard to be productive especially on the harder days. I’ve not been acting like myself this whole time so I hope you all still love me if I am myself finally haha. I just wanted to lay it out there because I think you all deserve to know what’s going on, I still think it’s hard to open up to the whole internet but it’s also kinda a relieve and I might even help others with it who knows.

That was everything from me today guys, I hope I will be more active really soon!

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  • ingrid madison
    August 13, 2018

    No worries, we all have our moments. We will be here following your journey. xx

  • Dinja
    August 20, 2018

    Niet om dezelfde redenen als die jij hebt maar ik herken je verhaal wel. Ik weet ook niet echt goed meer wie ik ben, en het lastige is: ik weet niet wie ik wil zijn of wat ik later überhaupt wil doen.
    Momenteel ben ik bezig om – hoe egoïstisch het ook klinkt – meer voor mezelf te doen. Maar denk dan aan: het zoeken naar een huis, op weg om een rijschool te vinden voor m’n rijbewijs, geen andere mensen meer pleasen maar echt doen wat ik leuk vind en om gaan met wie ik zelf wil om gaan.

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